Gross Me Green

I come in last night and there are two palmetto bugs in my sink. I'd had two drinks but that wasn't enough, that wasn't nearly enough to cope with this scenario. I grabbed a frying pan because these revolting Hindemeths of the bug world are NOT going to scurry quietly away -- they want to tangle with you. They have to be killed because they sort of want to be, they're incapable of not walking towards you, inviting death.

At this point I only knew about one gross, sickening, light brown disgustoid that had ruined my plan to eat a bag of Veggie Bootie, have seltzer with lemon and watch Conan. I didn't see the two at the same time. Yeah. I know.

First I screamed. The vile football-shaped thing crawled up out of the sink onto the narrow ledge of the counter and I banged it with the frying pan. It fell on the floor. Dead? No, of course not. It takes more than one sharp bang with a frying-pan to kill one of these mothers. It lay on its back with some appendages waving feebly. I was forced, reader, to crush it with a heavy boot. Did it crunch? Of course. You're spared nothing. Even then I wasn't free from its horribleness. I had to get it off my floor. I thought a piece of cardboard and a plastic tub to cup over it would be the thing but as I had neither item, I had to use a wad of paper towels and pick up its smushed body which again could not be accomplished without the noise of its mortality issuing forth.

Sickened! I threw it into a garbage bag and tied it up and then I saw the second one. I threw a lemon at it (direct hit), and then I tried to bang it with the frying pan even though I couldn't get a clear shot, and then I turned on the water and aimed the dish-rinsing hose at it, and then I banged a pot lid over where I thought it was, and I actually think it squeezed out of the window screen because it knew its time was up.

What in the name of god have I done to deserve all this vermin?

To quote Belle and Sebastien: "What is it I must do to pay for all my crimes?/ What is it I must do? I would do it all the time, do it all the time now."

That's a beautiful record -- If You're Feeling Sinister.

In non-bug news, I'm trying to edit the movie I shot last week. I'm trying to edit in iMovie and of course it's really hard, and I find ways to avoid working on it because I can't really do it. But it's exciting that we finally got together, me and three actors, to film the first robot secretary sketch.

And me and my friend S. are going to see Ricky Gervais tomorrow night!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ricky Gervais.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!