A Love That Has No Name

I haven't blogged for a while because ... I've been trying to avoid my blog. I think I'm starting to like it a little too much. It's like the feelings are getting uncomfortable, they're inappropriate. I think about the blog all the time, and I get this sort of ache in my stomach, and a longing for something unnameable.

I've been trying to break this down. The blog isn't that attractive. It's all right, but it's not the best blog out there. Yet something about it calls to me, like it has some sweet quality I can't quite pin down. And I don't think I should feel this so strongly. It's kind of upsetting my whole life.

So I've been trying to distract myself with other activities -- a pottery class, a corn husking party, gymkhana. But I've just been going through the motions without really enjoying any of it. I almost feel like I'm portraying myself in a play. No one knows I'm really thinking about my blog.

When I've talked to therapists about issues in the past, they always tell me it's a good idea to 'work through' the feelings. 'Work through!' How am I supposed to work through the sense that I have inappropriate feelings for my own blog?

Nothing will be right until I can meet my blog somewhere far from society's critical gaze. But that will be almost impossible to pull off. One, my blog doesn't have a physical presence. Where will I meet it? In the fourth dimension? Then too, I'll need to take a lot of time off work and sort of remake my whole life just to deal with this new, bizarre set of feelings. I'm just hoping the whole thing will pass. Meanwhile, call me a hypocrite, but I'm pretending I feel normal about my blog, like it's a fun hobby, nothing more. Nothing.