You Are a Fighter
Do you believe in cognitive behavioral therapy? It's where you chant self-affirming things to yourself that are meant to drown out your negative voices. I used to think it was ridiculous. The affirmations were so goopy, for one thing. "I am whole and complete as I am." "The light of the universe shines through me." "I am perfect in every way and everyone loves me and everyone should." Not quite that bad but almost.
I used to think I'd rather bottom out completely than compromise my thought processes and, in essence, hypnotize myself with New Age-y slogans. I told a therapist this and she said, "But you've got yourself under a different kind of hypnosis -- all you say to yourself are negative things." Well, so what? If that's the way my mind works. I admit it doesn't help you to say "you suck" to yourself in a hundred different ways every day, but how would it help me to pretend I think things I don't?
One time, though, I had a demonstration of the power of language. Most mornings I play a favorite cd before I go to work -- try to start the day off right. I had on 'Supper' by Bill Callahan (who plays under the name Smog). The cd starts with a lovely song about being at odds with yourself. Callahan finds inventive ways to talk about this ancient conflict, with lines like "It's Roe versus Roe" and "It's Ali versus Clay." I find those lines near-genius in their conveying of self-defeating struggle through clever metaphor -- he's a great songwriter. Anyway, the song has a chorus-y part that goes "But you are a fighter, you are a fighter." That line stuck in my head all day, and I have to say, the day went better than usual. I felt calmer and steadier, literally reminded of my stronger side by the words in my head. It didn't hurt that they're from a song I love rather than a paperback I disdain. The principle's the same, I think.
I hope everyone is self-examining in this holiday season. Don't buy presents -- look inward.
posted by La Misma at 9:33 AM
3 Comments:
Buy presents. Look inward.
Most of us with constant negative thoughts have what the psycholigists call an internalized bad object (I think I got that right). Basically a critical voice of a parent or someone of similar influence in the shaping of a our personalities.
Ideally, the child is meant to feel safe and valuable. Of course, this is often not the case, and so there is a voice in our heads insidiously (usually unconsciously for me) ceaselessly interfering and degrading. Criticizing. Naysaying. Scoffing. The repitition of affirmations (yek, what a crap new age word, I admit) is a counter to the repetitive negativity which gives a skewed view of reality.
Saying "I am good company," or somehing like that can be a real tool against an ingrained voice saying "You're really annoying." Consciously altering your unconscious dialogue can indeed help change behavior, and allow you to see positive change before you have rooted through and come to terms with the trauma that caused the undesirable behavior.
Jesus, all the above ponticating makes the negative affirmations start sparking like July 4.
This may all be way too much for a comment, but I have often adopted the stance as a fighter to ward off the expected smackdown awaiting me. It feels good to fight. Gives you some sense of control and power.
Okay. That's all now.
Please don't strike tranist workers' union.
3:19 PM
Actually, while I hope the tranist workers' union doesn't strike, I much more fervently hope that the transit workers' union does not call a strike.
3:21 PM
I notice that even as I blog I think, 'how pretentious!' or 'who's gonna care about THAT?' It assaults me when I do other writing, too. Sometimes I just have to tell myself, 'you can edit it out later' in order to write anything at all.
While I understand your prayer that there be no transit (or trasnit) strike, I have to say I think the MTA deserves a walloping from any quarter, but probably from its workers most of all. They (the MTA) are so corrupt. I'd like to organize a campaign where subway passengers kick or smash in the windows of trains that are more than 40 minutes late. Kind of like the pizza thing, but with vandalism.
I hate the MTA.
10:08 AM
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