Admire Me

I’ve always wanted to try standup because all my life, no one has ever said, “You’re really funny! You should do standup!” and I believe in doing the opposite of whatever people tell me to do. Like ages ago, my dad told me I should look deep into my heart, figure out who I really was and then follow my heart rather than ever conforming to the crowd. And I’m like, “Fuck you, Dad! I’ll do what I want!” So now I’m this big conformist. I’ll do anything anybody else does. If someone jumps off the Brooklyn Bridge, I’ll jump off too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge. It’s really scary, and I hate it, but if other people are doing it, I’m there.

I still don’t have very many friends. I’m starting to wonder if maybe people don’t like conformists. It’s not always the best way to act, I have to admit. For job interviews, it’s not good. They go “What do you consider your strengths?” and I’m like “What do you consider your strengths? Because those are probably mine too.” Or: “What is your worst quality?” Last time I said, “Well, like you, I mispronounce a lot of words, and I’m kind of fat.” So not only do I not have many friends, I have a really hard time getting jobs.

So where does someone with low self-esteem, no job and no friends go in the world of dating? Well, if you feel horrible about yourself and you have no self-confidence, the best pool of people to look into dating is fetishists. If you answer a fetishist's personal ad, they're just so welcoming! It's not like the regular personal ads guys, the ones who want to know if you have "clearly defined goals," if you "know who you are." Agh! What if you don't know who you are, and what if your goals change constantly? Well, you should answer a pervert's ad, because that stuff will never come up. A pervert just wants you to feel comfortable so there's a chance you'll do even an approximation of his perversion. That's what I call a fun date! Shouldn't the goal of a date be to have a nice time? Because with regular Internet dates, it seems like the goal is to establish yourself as a person of worth and substance, like you're applying to a prestigious graduate school. But you're also fun! I think both poles represent impossibly high standards. I'm hopelessly depressed almost all the time. I can't in good conscience describe myself as "fun." But neither have I achieved anything. So I'm a write-off in the world of Internet dating.

But perverts will never make you feel bad about any of that. They're totally thrilled that you're planning to spend even half an hour with them! They keep thanking you for "being so open." They're really great guys, most of them, with just a few quirks that are manageable for the most part. And they're better than those "have clear goals" snobs! I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be urinated on than condescended to. But I think I'm preaching to the choir here.